Monday, March 31, 2014

Tomorrow is the day!!

Surprisingly these three weeks have FLOWN by!! Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy, but I made it. I drank my last shake and have to go to bed early so I can be at the hospital tomorrow morning at 4:30. Ugh. I am first on the list, though, so I'm excited about that!! I survived and didn't cheat even once!!! I think that counts as a win. I will let everyone know how much I've lost when they weigh me tomorrow. Also, Mom and Dad will keep people informed via Facebook. It's a short procedure, so I shouldn't be under long.

I want to thank everyone who has supported me. I feel like I have the BEST support system EVER!!! Many people have called, texted, written, etc., to check on me today. That is something I do not take for granted. Thank you all for your continued love, support, thoughts, and prayers.

I have had a TON of water today in preparation for my surgery tomorrow. I also packed my bag and am about to go antimicrobial soap my body. Haha! I cannot express how excited I am about this and am just so thrilled for this next step in my life. Thanks again for following me on this journey.

And that's life...

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Week 2

I weighed in yesterday at the doctor and found out that I am 13.4 pounds and 3 BMI points down!!! Woohoo! This makes the shakes seem less horrible. I mean I still want to eat food, but results make the whole thing easier.

I was there for another class. Basically it told me how to eat before and after the surgery. However, I can't eat before (I'm doing the shakes) so half the class was a waste. We did learn to read nutrition labels and I learned about what ratios are healthy in foods and meals. I took a picture of this plate that "helps" you remember how to eat. Enjoy that! 

When I start thinking about food, lately chicken, I make myself think about something else. I don't allow myself to think about it for too long. I remind myself why I'm doing this and move on. However, due to this control, food is now the number one topic in my dreams. Weird. Dreams really are what you really want. Here's a glimpse into my crazy mind:

I'm still on my liquid diet, but decide I've been good and deserve some chicken! I park my car and walk to a Little Tykes car and get in. (In my dream this makes total sense and no one questions it.) I pull around the Raising Cane's building in my little car, and stare at the menu for a few minutes. I decide I will get the kids meal because it has less food, calories, etc. It comes with one piece of chicken, some fries, and bread. I opt for no soda like I always do. When I pull up to the window, the girl hands me my order and I am standing on top of the little car now. I can smell the delicious food and almost taste the chicken. I open the box and inhale the warm steam and smell. I start to salivate thinking about how good the chicken and sauce will be. Then a friend walks up to me and asks how I am. They're not confrontational, just curious how my diet is going. Then she notices my chicken, pulls me roughly by the arm out of the lane and asks me why I have chicken in my hands. I start to think of a lie and then remember that really I'm only lying to myself because the calories will still be there. I hand her the box an began to cry. Not your sniffling sad cry; an all out wail of a cry. I'm a snotty, teary, slobbering mess. I crumple to the ground an continue to cry even though two kids have shown up on bikes to order their food. 

I woke up in an even bigger-than-usual puddle of drool and I'm crying. I think I might have a slight addiction to food. Or at least thinking about food. I used to plan the next meal right after I finish the first. Like, I would think about dinner after finishing lunch. Who does that?! It's not necessarily the chewing, the temperature, or any other food component. It's the idea and taste of the  food that draws me in. It's also the memories foo evokes in me. When I eat, I am usually with someone. We are sharing a meal an consequently our lives with each other. My addiction to food has a lot to do with my love of my friends and family. When you get together, what do you do? Eat. Also that whole clean-your-plate-there-are-starving-kids-in-Africa thing we were all told as children. Now I don't blame my parents, but I do strive to make a "happy" plate and can't bring myself to waste food (especially if I've paid for it). It's my downfall. One I will overcome. 

I have 7 more days until the surgery and will make it!! I'm not going to lie, I wanted a glass of wine tonight after my day, but this is more important than that. I hope you enjoyed this little glimpse into my world! 

And that's life...

Saturday, March 22, 2014

I've made it this far!

I've made it this far without cheating and plan to finish this liquid diet up that way. I have about 40 more shakes to drink in about 10 days, and then I will finally have my gastric sleeve surgery!! Woohoo! 

I have been watching tv and doing basically anything to distract myself this week. While I was watching tv, I noticed some of the commercials. They are terrible!!! Not only do they prey on the weak minds of viewers, but they make you confuse like for love. "Try this KFC bowl and you'll fall in love," says a skinny man. Wow. Can you believe that?! No wonder so many Americans are overweight or obese, with commercials claiming that you will fall in love with food. Fall in love. With food. I'm appalled. 

What do our kids see? I'm sure these "meals" are meant to be eaten in moderation and only once a week or something, not for every meal like we tend to eat them. I also saw a Burger King commercial advertising "bigger burgers than before." Yeah, because they weren't big enough... I can't believe we allow this to happen. 

I noticed that before, when eating was an option, I might have had a craving for one or more of these things. However, as someone who is not allowed to eat for a while, I can pick apart the commercials. It's crazy that the whole purpose of these commercials is to make you crave the food and buy it. 

Let's talk a little bit about cravings. I read in my book that I got, that I read cover to cover (that's what you do when you're given a new book in my house), that cravings are all in your head. Hunger is from your stomach, but cravings are from your head. I kind of knew this before, but didn't really comprehend how much they went together until watching the commercials this week. The commercials make you crave the food even though your stomach is not actually hungry. 

I try really hard not to be a pain or need anything special- basically I avoid any extra attention because I am overweight. These really do go hand in hand for me. I thought I would have an extremely hard time explaining that I'm on a liquid diet and that I can't eat. However, I have found some real strength while on this diet to tell people that I am not partaking in the meal. I've felt empowered to not cheat because I'm finally doing something about my weight. How weird. When people forget I am on the diet, I quickly forgive them and drink my shake. I am doing this for me and my future. That helps me stay on track most of the time. Now, I do lean on my family, especially Dad, for strength when I find it lacking; I'm not afraid to reach out when I need help staying on course. 

Anyways, just some food for thought (see what I did there?). Enjoy! 

And that's life... 

Monday, March 17, 2014

Overcoming My Own Brain

So I told myself last Tuesday that I would NOT eat a "last meal". Why? Because I will eat again, just not for a few weeks and only in small quantities. However, last night I regretted that with everything I am. I wanted so badly to stop on the way home from hanging out with my friends to eat. I wanted that burrito that has the prefect balance of flavor and the delicious green sauce that is just spicy enough. I wanted food. Bad. I wanted to stop anywhere and stuff my face. It's what I've always done.

I didn't. I willed my car and my body to hang on until I got home. I drank some water. I didn't cave.I did cry, though. A lot.

My body hasn't quite adjusted to liquids only thing and I have to pee every 30 minutes or so (not exaggerating). With a 45 minute drive home... let's just say I ran in the house and then cried in Dad's arms for a good hour. Whilst crying, (I mean I was already doing it, right?) I admitted that this is harder than I thought it would be. I take comfort in food and flavor. It's like an art to me, and not just sustenance to keep my alive. As my friend says, "I didn't have brain surgery." What she means is it's a mental, emotional, and physical life-changing event. If I really want to succeed, and I do, then I have to learn to think differently as well as eat differently. It's not just a diet, it's a whole change in habit. You say, "yeah, yeah, yeah; everyone knows that", but you have to realize that knowing something and practicing something are totally different. I know that fried food is bad for me, but not eating it is what gets me. It's soooooo good! I've always said I'll start my diet on Monday, or after this one party. The thing is, social gatherings and the like never end. They will always be there. It's how you decide to act and eat that defines success. Do I really need to try everything at the potluck? No. Do I need a huge burger and fries? No. Do I need to order more than one thing (appetizer and meal) off the menu because I know it will taste delicious? No. These are things I have to learn to change in my thinking. These, and others I'm sure, will be my struggles during this whole process.

I wish I could say this is an easy experience and anyone can do it, but it's not. Not everyone has the heart, willpower, stamina, mind set, etc., to have this surgery. It's really not for everyone. I do, however, think it's for me. I mean if I can sit in an Italian restaurant with my friend and drink water or sit through a BBQ and drink my shake, then I can change how I think about food. I can be prepared. I can be successful.

Today I worked, which severely helped me. When I'm busy (unlike last week when I was home for spring break), it doesn't seem to be as bad. I have my meals planned out and "eat" when I'm hungry. I don't have spare time to think about how good some pizza would be right now. I'm busy. Working is always better for me. It keeps my brain and body occupied; it gets me out of my head.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Friday, March 14, 2014

200th Post- the struggle is real.

First, this is my 200th post!! Who knew? Crazy how far I've come in such a relatively short amount of time.

I would be lying if I said today was easy. Mom cooked in the house for the first time. I know they have to eat, but I wish it didn't smell SO good!!!! I'm already dying from the cloyingly, sickeningly sweet protein shakes that I am drinking, then she goes and makes sausage. I had a mini-breakdown. I kept trying to remind myself that bigger goals are just out of reach if I can just hang on. While we're on this, the saying, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels," means nothing to fat people. I have never been skinny, so I don't know how that feels. Duh.

Anyhow, my friend, who has had the lap-band and done fabulously, wrote the most beautiful thing on my Facebook. It perfectly captures how I feel and I kept reminding myself of these things while trying not eat all the sausage!!
"This will be one of the hardest, but most rewarding journeys of your life. There will be days in the beginning that you will wonder what you were thinking. There will be a day when you can taste a protein shake without ever putting it up to your lips and it'll make your stomach churn. There will be trials with the new foods you'll learn to tolerate and possibly even like. There will be days that you will mourn your loss of food.
But then... There will be days that you will be able to run and play and still feel like a million dollars. There will be healthy babies, playing on the floor with them, riding roller coasters, and watching them grow into adults without having to worry about your high blood pressure, arthritis and diabetes taking your life first. There will a beautiful wedding gown that you have a choice of instead of the one they had in your size. There will be sitting in booths at your favorite restaurant, being able to tie your shoes, and sitting comfortably on a plane. There will be less doctor visits, less medicine, less pain and better health. There will be a new way that people treat you. There will be shopping for clothes because it's fun to try the latest styles. There will be a day when you eat to live instead of living to eat, and food becomes secondary to all the joys in your life.
In short, there will be a new adventure for you, one where YOU are the participant and not just the spectator. Take it by the horns! Enjoy the ride, even when it's rough, I promise- it'll be worth it in the end!"

For those of you on the edge of your seats (and probably now crying), I did NOT eat any sausage. I drank my water and then another shake for dinner. BAM!

Jenny:1                                 Fat:0


And that's life... 

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

April Fools

It's taken me a while to write because I've been waiting for something exciting to happen... Well, it has! My surgery was moved to April 1!! No April Fools Day for me. Haha! 

Also, I took a pre-op nutrition class yesterday. Basically, I stay on liquids for the three weeks leading up to my surgery, and then the three weeks after. Next, I began eating mushy (applesauce consistency) foods while supplementing with protein shakes for protein (duh). After that, I slowly begin adding foods back. 

I also learned from the class that 30-40% of people have to have their gallbladders taken out 2-6 months after their weight loss surgery because of the rapid weight loss. So I'll be having a sonogram to see if mine is ok and if they'll take it out while I'm having my surgery. Apparently they use the same holes and cut through the same muscles. It makes sense to take it out if it seems like it might rebel. Ha! 

I will start my liquid diet today and will drink my first protein shake meal after I get my pre-op blood work done. I'm already feeling starved, but I also can't eat until after the blood work. I'm trying to remember how happy I am to do this and how exciting it is when I get grouchy or hangry (it's a word). This is a small step that will yield great things!! "This time next year" (said in my best good ol' boy voice) I'll be healthier and happier! 

There are lots of recipes for shakes that I'm eager to try. As well as protein ice cream!! Yes I did just buy an ice cream machine and Popsicle molds. I'll let you know all of my favorites! 

I am so excited to do this and can't wait to share my journey!! I'm extremely happy that I get to choose this for myself without life-or-death consequences hanging over my head. This is my decision to make a change for the better, for my life. I choose to have this surgery so I can be healthy. 

Just a warning, if you are not in support of me or have something nasty to say about me "taking the easy way out", save it. Nothing about surgery is easy. Would I have liked to exercised my way thin? Sure. Was I able to make that happen? No. Do I care what you think? No. So keep your negativity to yourself. That being said, I have had only positive feedback and loving support from my family and friends thus far. The closer I get to April 1, the more ecstatic I get!!!

 And that's life!