So I told myself last Tuesday that I would NOT eat a "last meal". Why? Because I will eat again, just not for a few weeks and only in small quantities. However, last night I regretted that with everything I am. I wanted so badly to stop on the way home from hanging out with my friends to eat. I wanted that burrito that has the prefect balance of flavor and the delicious green sauce that is just spicy enough. I wanted food. Bad. I wanted to stop anywhere and stuff my face. It's what I've always done.
I didn't. I willed my car and my body to hang on until I got home. I drank some water. I didn't cave.I did cry, though. A lot.
My body hasn't quite adjusted to liquids only thing and I have to pee every 30 minutes or so (not exaggerating). With a 45 minute drive home... let's just say I ran in the house and then cried in Dad's arms for a good hour. Whilst crying, (I mean I was already doing it, right?) I admitted that this is harder than I thought it would be. I take comfort in food and flavor. It's like an art to me, and not just sustenance to keep my alive. As my friend says, "I didn't have brain surgery." What she means is it's a mental, emotional, and physical life-changing event. If I really want to succeed, and I do, then I have to learn to think differently as well as eat differently. It's not just a diet, it's a whole change in habit. You say, "yeah, yeah, yeah; everyone knows that", but you have to realize that knowing something and practicing something are totally different. I know that fried food is bad for me, but not eating it is what gets me. It's soooooo good! I've always said I'll start my diet on Monday, or after this one party. The thing is, social gatherings and the like never end. They will always be there. It's how you decide to act and eat that defines success. Do I really need to try everything at the potluck? No. Do I need a huge burger and fries? No. Do I need to order more than one thing (appetizer and meal) off the menu because I know it will taste delicious? No. These are things I have to learn to change in my thinking. These, and others I'm sure, will be my struggles during this whole process.
I wish I could say this is an easy experience and anyone can do it, but it's not. Not everyone has the heart, willpower, stamina, mind set, etc., to have this surgery. It's really not for everyone. I do, however, think it's for me. I mean if I can sit in an Italian restaurant with my friend and drink water or sit through a BBQ and drink my shake, then I can change how I think about food. I can be prepared. I can be successful.
Today I worked, which severely helped me. When I'm busy (unlike last week when I was home for spring break), it doesn't seem to be as bad. I have my meals planned out and "eat" when I'm hungry. I don't have spare time to think about how good some pizza would be right now. I'm busy. Working is always better for me. It keeps my brain and body occupied; it gets me out of my head.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!!