Day 82

Day 8: I am thankful for my church family and all the others who pray for me.

Scars remind us where we've been, they don't have to dictate where we're going.I heard this today and think it's a good way to look at my situation.

Today we celebrated my sisters birthday. Our friend stopped by and brought me True Blood!! Woot! We had a cookie cake because my sister doesn't like cake. It was scrumptious! Also, two lovely ladies from church brought us dinner and conversation. My beautiful aunt stopped by just in time for my plastic surgeon to show up and hurt me (pull the drain tube from my muscle flap). She was such a God send.

I've noticed in times past, but definitely in times recent, that God sends me who I need or what I need to hear or see at just the right times. I guess it does all happen in His time. When will I learn this and give up my charade of controlling my life?

My ortho doctor came in today and said when I get my brace, I can use my elbow to platform! Yaaaaaay!! My plastic surgeon seems to think I should be able to go home soon. I'm going to let y'all be happy for me while I continue "not to care". I still have a pulse in my ankle! In a couple of days I'll be able to "dangle" or leave down for a few minutes. Saturday is day 7 and I should be in the green with my flap. My infectious disease doctor thinks I'm almost done with my antibiotics. That's also amazing news!  However, I'm trying not to get too happy. I can also potty now if I keep my leg up thanks to my awesome PT!!

I had a bit of a meltdown today, but my amazing family helped me through it. I need to forgive this poor girl and stop wishing for things that won't/can't happen. I'm working on it; right now I'm going to work on some sleep!

And that's life...

Day 81

Day 7: I am thankful for my beautiful and amazing sister who is my bestest best friend!! I am so proud of her and who she has become so far and can't wait to see who she will ultimately become. We've been on one crazy journey to get this far and can't wait to see what the future holds for her. I love her with all my heart and want to wish her the happiest birthday so far! <3

I guess I forgot to mention that I moved to a room and am out of the ICU!!

Every time I think this journey is coming to an end and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, something else happens. My doctor told me that after the muscle heals a bit and I'm off all the antibiotics, then we will look at fixing my bones. He said I will have a surgery that takes bone from somewhere like my pelvis to replace the bone that died in my ankle. Then he will fuse what bones he needs to I guess. I am not happy about this. This puts my "being able to walk" schedule even farther behind and puts me back in the hospital after I go home.

I discovered tonight that I get a little jealous of people. In my world, time stopped on August 18th; in everyone else's world, time keeps on moving. People go to work, go on dates, get married, have babies, etc. But I'm stuck here, in this bed, while life passes me by. It's hard and I try not to feel forgotten or jealous, but I really do sometimes. I just feel like I'm frozen in time. I don't really know another way to describe it. I mean mom and dad come see me everyday, and mommy stays with me every night, but I feel forgotten sometimes. I don't want people to go eat and think, "I wonder how Jenae is and what she's having for dinner," but I just feel a little forgotten. I know it's irrational...

 My grandparents got me a fruit, cheese, and cracker basket today!! We enjoyed some of the goodies tonight. They were yummy!! I am thankful for them and their delicious basket!

My basket of yummies!

I'm looking forward to tomorrow because I get my brace!! I got to the edge of the bed TWICE today with my amazing PT. I'm so proud of us! I am working hard to get better.

And that's life...

Day 79 and Day 80

Day 5: I am thankful for modern technology and modern medicine.
Day 6: I am thankful for the care I'm getting and the amazing people I am meeting. They are making this a positive experience and they humanize me and make me feel compassion and love in this junction in my life.

 
So day 79 was fairly uneventful. My grandparents and PT came to visit me which was lovely. Your prayers did some good because I slept all day and even all night. I gave up some of the pain meds after a while. I don't like my head to swim. Plus I get a headache from them... I think.

Day 80- Today Mommy stayed with me all day. A friend (who just walked The 3 Day and was GLOWING) came to visit me today! For all of you wanting to do something for me but don't know what to do, you can donate here to my friend who constantly encourages me and keeps me sane. She is my hero and does everything she can to make you feel loved and cherished. My sister, her boyfriend, and another friend came to visit today, too. I love when my seester comes to see me! On an odd note, we are the same age every year for a month and tomorrow, that will end. I've always loved this oddity about us because I feel like we're super linked during that time.

I've suddenly become super attached to my parents. I hate when they're not here and especially when they leave; like in hysterical tears. I try to control this, but I can't seem to. I feel bad because they don't want to leave and I feel like I make them feel guilty when I cry. I can't help it; I just get completely overwhelmed with sadness. I feel almost lost and abandoned. I know they're coming back, but I still feel like I'm drowning in sadness.

I also feel like this is a HUGE step back which might attribute to my weird sadness. I haven't oozed in a month or so. I'm all bleedy (it is too a word!) and oozy. My arm is in a soft cast and I'll have to start over moving when I get my brace on Thursday. However, I should be ok because I worked so hard when I had the ex-fix. I know this procedure is a step forward, but it's hard to see that right now. I'm holding on, though; reminding myself of my support, the love I get, things I am thankful for, and how far I've already come. I want to give it 100% everyday, so I will.

So I'm moving my toes and ankles and legs as much as possible. I can feel the loss of my muscle (yes I'm super in tune with my body, but...) because I swear it is the first muscle used to make your knee bend. I'm not really in too much pain, but I ask for meds if I need them. It's more of a shooting, sharp pain in my ankle and legs. I get to start PT tomorrow and possibly get in a wheelchair (if I can make this left leg of mine work). I've suddenly become hypersensitive to touch. My right foot has been that way all along (and is more so than any skin), but not all of my other skin. Speaking of skin: skin grafts are so weird. You can read about it here (*warning, this is a surgical procedure, so it's gross and graphic). I JUST BENT MY KNEE!!!!! I'm a little excited...

I'm excited about Christmas, too, because I love the music and feel of the season!! All the commercials are hitting the TV these days. I'm a little sad, though because I'm scared I won't be out of here by then... I am happy the stupid elections are over and Sandy and Christmas are and have knocked them off the air!! Ugh. That is all.

And that's life...

Day 77- Surgery #18 and Day 78

Day 3: Thankful for great surgeons and doctors.

Day 4: Thankful for God and the sonogram sound I hear every hour to know the muscle flap has good blood flow. Also, everyone praying and parents who give up their time to stay with me.

 

Day 77- My day started with a ball of nerves and both parents at my side. Surgery #18 went from 8-4. I woke up in the ICU in excruciating pain. My plastic surgeon did not prepare me for the pain. He took my left Gracilis muscle and put it in my right ankle. I woke up unable to move. My left arm is in a soft cast and has an IV in the shoulder. My left leg is stitched up from the muscle and skin graft and my toes and leg are tingly. My right leg is broken and has the grafts. My right arm has a weird IV thing in my wrist (that if I bend my wrist something bad will happen). This means I can't do anything by myself at all. After somewhat getting the pain under control, I convince them to take out my wrist IV. I am also bleeding/oozing what seems to be a LOT! I can't get comfortable because I can't make my muscles relax and my ankle feels like someone is ripping out staples. We keep trying to adjust it, but I don't know what to tell my nurse to fix it. All of my leads are draped across me and go every which way. I am miserable. Every time I close my eyes, I feel like I'm rocking on a boat. I finally get a wee bit of sleep.

Day 78- This day brings more pain. There's also this issue of having to keep my foot warm for good circulation and no constriction of the blood vessels; this means no A/C. Just a fan that can't blow on me, just around me to circulate the air. I have to get the muscle flap checked with a sonogram every hour to make sure it still has a pulse. This is not only painful, but also stressful. The pain gets so bad I give into morphine. The blood and ooze that I'm losing have to get a dressing change, sponge bath, and a sheet change. This is by far the most horrifically, unbearably miserable experience I've had so far. To accomplish these tasks, it takes 4 people to roll me side to side. This is awful. It makes everything hurt. I end up getting a syringe full of muscle relaxer. When they've finally finished, I get some sleep. Later that night I have to go to the bathroom which again requires rolling. This is the worst part of my hospital stay so far.

 A little later I get two units of blood. More blood tests to determine if my hemoglobin count is acceptable. I have to get pain meds before I can get the dressing on the graft changed. I do not like this one bit. I also can't balance the meds. If I get a lot of pain meds, I feel out of control and get sleepy, but not a comfortable feeling. If I have less meds, I get more pain. I can't win...yet. My parents and the nurses sometimes can't understand my speech because of the meds. I have to repeat myself, which adds to the overall frustration.

Please continue to pray for me and my family as we push through this rough spot.

And that's life...

Day 76- NPO at midnight

Day 2: Today I am thankful for my family; especially my parents who hate that they can't just kiss it and make it better anymore. They would do anything for me and I would do anything for them. They have created me and taught me how to live and love. My heart and soul are a product of their love and support throughout the years. They're always there, ready to help me get back up or give me a dose of reality. Thank you, mom and dad!! I love you both so much!!

I've had quite a few doctors come by today; it's looking like I'm having the BIG, BAD surgery tomorrow for sure. The big 1-8. It's been a loooooong time coming. This is a 4-18 hour surgery. Basically my plastic surgeon will transplant a muscle from my left thigh to the hole in my right ankle. This is a serious surgery because my surgeon has to connect each small blood vessel, capillary, and what not. However, if this fails, I have one more chance with a stomach or back muscle, and then I will lose my lower leg; as in it will be amputated. I need prayers that this will not happen and my muscle flap will take. I don't think I'm strong enough to be an amputee. I just hope it takes and God had me wait so it will take.

Ex-fix before the surgery.

My PT brought a student observer to watch our session this afternoon. Ha! She said she wanted the student to see her "Rockstar"; that's me!! I did two loops around the nurses station non-stop in like 5 minutes and some seconds. Well done, me!

My mentor teacher came to see me today! Her ADDness mixed with mine kept my mind off any impending doom I was feeling. I just love her!! Our personalities really click. Her visit brightened my day. My grandparents also came to visit me. We talked mostly about hoarders (there was a marathon on) and about my being in the hospital. I need to be out by Thanksgiving I'm told.

When I was in the ER, I thought, "Oh, a broken arm and leg, I'll be out for 6 weeks and be back to myself." How naive was I?! I never thought I would be in the hospital over 76 days. I never thought I would miss Halloween, Lord's Acre, anything. Yet, here I am missing what seems like so much. I know it's not, but it feels like it.

All kinds of thoughts and prayers will be especially appreciated tomorrow. Thank you for all you have done so far! I will reach way deep down into my soul, pull out my doubt, give it to God, and get my brave face and self out for tomorrow.

And that's life...

Day 75- Procedure #17

Day 1: I am thankful for my life, even if it's not what I planned. :)

At 12:45 am last night I was told I am NPO and would have surgery tomorrow. Apparently my plastic surgeon is better because he did my wound vac change today; not like I saw him, but still. I've heard whisperings, because I'm cool like that, that there will possibly be a muscle flap surgery for a certain hospital resident (me) on Saturday. I'm not going to get my hopes up, but we shall see.

My granny brought my family dinner tonight. It was so good to see her! She said Halloween wasn't the same without my sister and me. We usually all go to my aunt's house to pass out candy and trick or treat. We all get dressed up in some way or another. It's so fun!! Next year...

A dear friend of mine is walking the The 3 Day this weekend. I am so excited for her and proud of her!! I have been praying for her and all the other participants for strength and a cure. I can't wait to hear all about it!!

I can't believe it's November 1. I never thought I would still be in the hospital. Of course I didn't think I would be in the hospital at all, but especially not this long. I'm amazed. I can't believe I've come so far. I used to sweat and huff and puff just to get IN a wheel chair; now I can transfer after bed exercises and make one or two rounds around the nurses station. It's so cool! It's not always easy, though. Sometimes I forget about those first days and surgeries. When I look back, I just don't believe I've come so far.

I hope I can say that next year at this time. I think I really want to walk The 3 Day next year. I think it's for a great cause and I think I can do it. I'm going to pray about it.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers!!

And that's life...

Day 74

Today was a better day; thank you for raising my spirits!!

Today I received an adorable cookie basket from a family friend. It was so stinkin precious! It was all Halloween themed and everything; so cute. I also got a visit from a church member and friend today. She brought me Halloween candy and Velocity body wash and lotion as well as lip gloss. It was so sweet!!

My spooktacular cookie basket!

My sister and her boyfriend visited today. She took me on a walk all through the hospital and buildings. We went to this beautiful garden that we've been to before and decided they should have made it the scary garden for patients and staff. Ha! When we got back to the room, she washed my hair!! So clean, happy, and thankful!

So for doctor news, my plastic surgeon is sick (like 105 fever). My doctor (orthopedic) went to visit his family. One of my plastic's partners left for Rome today. My problem? I need a wound vac change tomorrow or Friday... Someone will have to do it.

Mommy bought me this cool expanding ball thing. Haha! It semi-glows in the dark. It's cool!!

See? So much fun!!

I miss doing Pinterest projects. I miss cooking. I miss my youth group. I miss my bed. I miss walking. I miss being goofy with my friends. However, I'm blessed to have what I have: family, God, my life.

P.S. I just found out I'm NPO... Looks like it'll be tomorrow.

And that's life...