I had pretty average day until some doctor came in and told me my plastic surgeon is sick and will NOT be performing my muscle flap surgery tomorrow. This, at this moment, is earth-stopping. I want that surgery. I psyched myself up and allowed myself to hope that I would get the surgery and get better. I have NO idea when this doctor will get it together and reschedule my surgery. This is a HUGE (and recent) fear of mine. My plastic surgeon has to block off a about 10 hours straight in the OR, get his partner to help and give time (for the other leg), and SOON!! Ugh! It'll never happen. It's like the planets aligned and there they go...
What am I supposed to do? I feel like I'm going to be stuck in this hospital, in this room, in this bed for God knows how long. I just want to be better. I hate, yes hate, all of this!! I just want to go home well. I hate that this happened to me. I hate that I have to be positive. I hate that I have to rely on others to help me. I hate that I have to drink Boost. I hate that I have to wait for others to do anything. I hate that my parents put their lives on hold for me. I hate that Mom sleeps in a chair every night. I hate that I have to ask for a bath. I hate that I can't walk and will have to relearn how to. I hate that I sit by myself all day and only see my parents for a short time. I hate that I am sad when people (specifically mom and dad( leave). I hate that I am not healing right. I hate getting my blood pressure taken. I hate people opening my door for hourly rounding. I hate antibiotics. I hate the "meals" here. I hate pottying in a bucket. I hate wound vacs and wound vac changes. I hate that I have to have someone help me brush my teeth, I hate that I can't do my own hair. I hate that I can't move my arm. I hate getting excited and getting let down. I hate this. This sucks. I can't say that enough.
The only semi-lining is that all the antibiotics I'm on now take off time I'll have to take them when (if) I go home. That's it.
|My sister and her boyfriend brought me yummy cupcakes!!|
I easily understand how people lose their faith and blame God for their problems. It's easy to do these things when time and time again things go awry. It becomes a challenge some days to find the positive or silver lining when things seem to be all bad. I get it. I don't feel this way, I just understand.
So instead of getting the surgery to help me get better, I will be NPO until I can get a wound vac change tomorrow for procedure #16.
And that's life...