Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Day 94- Surgery #19

Day 20- I am thankful for amazing friends!!

I've thought a thousand ways on how to start this post and can't think of a good one. I'm usually never at a loss for words, but right now I am.

The surgery didn't go well. My muscle flap did not take and was removed. I currently have a wound vac and a very seriously tough decision to make. The doctor is coming to talk to me (along with a parade of other people, I'm sure) tomorrow about my options.

Surgery is always a gamble. Waking up from anesthesia is hard enough; waking up with bad news is worse. I was so worried about all those scars and it looks like that may not make a difference after all. I am at a complete and utter loss of what to do. If I had 4 million years I don't think I could make the decisions I need to.

I've worked SO hard for over 3 months to overcome this accident and the consequences from it, and it all seems like it was for nothing. Yes I learned lessons. Yes I touched people's lives. Blah. Blah. Blah. What did I get out of this? The horrible decision that will change my life and could end up at the same place if I choose either one. I. Just. Can't. Do. This.

I feel like I got screwed over (sorry for the language). I am so mad at God and my doctors and my ankle and everything!!! I just can't believe after all of this, I have to make an awful decision. Every time I look down at my ankle I just get so mad/sad. I don't know how to feel. I wasn't programmed for these emotions. I'm not equipped to make these decisions. Also, I shouldn't have to.

I think I am really close to hating the girl that hit me. I'm trying not to, but I'm here, suffering, because SHE hit ME. I know it probably wasn't her fault. I don't care. That scares me. Not using my logic is rarely a good thing. Meh.

One of my nurses (my absolute favorite one and friend) helped me escape the emotionally charged room and took me on a "date" to the garden. We talked about everything in life. She helped me clear my head and look at the situation in front of me from all directions. She said I needed to be 100% positive and have NO regrets going into it. I can't live with "what ifs". She's right.

And that's life...

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