Thursday, November 22, 2012

Day 95- Girls Night

Day 21: I am thankful for girls night; may it always take me away from my problems, even if for a brief time. 
So true. I saw this just when I needed it.
 Today my preacher stopped by. She mentioned that she felt some responsibility for my accident. I had dismissed the idea of the retreat because I couldn't afford it, but she asked me if she paid would I want to go. Of course I did!! I'm so glad I went to the retreat. I met some of the most kind and compassionate people. I've made many friends because of the retreat and learned so much from the other people. I now have more people in my life to love. I forgive her and absolutely absolve her of any responsibility; I wouldn't change the opportunity I had for the world.

Speaking of opportunities, I have the option to choose my future. I have the choice to have another muscle flap surgery (that might or might not work) or to have my leg amputated. I know we don't talk about "the A word", but we are at that point. I feel like I have worked extremely hard and have fought as hard as I could. It wasn't enough to save my leg.

I am so sore today. I think it's from all of the emotions yesterday. It could also be from sitting in my wheelchair for an hour. Meh. All I know is every single muscle hurts. Ugh.
Today four lovely ladies stopped by for girls night. It was so nice to "get away" from my state of mind and to forget my problems. We played a game and watched a movie. It was awesome! I am so thankful for them and their distraction; I needed it. 

There are pros and cons to each choice I can make. I've been over and over everything in my head a million times. I just don't know what to do, but I do. It's such a hard decision to make. I'm scared to make the decision, but I'm really not. My doctor had an amputee CRNA come talk to me today. He told me he lost his leg at 16 and doesn't regret a second of it. He has a completely normal life; he bikes, hikes, runs, water skis, everything. He just sleeps with one foot on the floor (his words). Ha! Disability is all in your head. Your attitude is everything. My doctor will have a prosthesis expert come talk to me next. This is the hardest thing I have done and hopefully will ever have to do.

And that's life...

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