Day 84

Day 10: I am thankful for flowers!! They're so pretty and smell good. Mommy brought me carnations in pretty colors!!

This blog is written throughout the day, so it's a first person account: So my pulse has been weak in my ankle. Today we didn't get one at all. A different plastic surgeon (mine is gone for a week) came and didn't get a pulse. I am freaking out because there's one step between me and the "A" word. Anyway, she said part of the top layer of the flap could be dead, but the bottom is still doing its job. It's like a big bandaid. I can't dangle my leg anymore.

My infectious disease doctor along with the lady plastics doctor are in communication with my plastic surgeon and decided I will go into the hyperbaric chamber. This will take two hours. I think I'm going to have a heart attack. I can't believe this is happening. I ask God haven't I been through enough? I mean seriously?! He can't possibly expect me to continue this. I definitely can't be an amputee. Come on, God!!! Cut me a freaking break!! My infectious disease doctor said it will take about 2 hours and will feel like being under 33 feet of water. I will have to pop my ears which I thought I couldn't do, but I did when she checked them. Well done, me! I'll let you know how the chamber feels... I have to be in a 100% cotton gown with no glasses (to see the tv) for 2 hours. The chamber is to pass 100% oxygen over my body and ankle in hopes to open up the vein. I am prone to blood clots, factor 5 Leiden, via my amazing dad (it's not his fault).

The chamber is circular and all plexi glass. You can't take anything with you; not even your glasses!! You have to change gowns and beds (which is real hard for someone with 2 limbs down...). You have to pop your ears in the chamber, and now mine hurt. I am so scared about all of this. I don't know how it's going to turn out. I have no control. I keep crying; I save all of my emotions all day for my parents apparently. That's not nice or fair, and it's super bad for me. What can I say? I hate people seeing me cry.

The guy putting me in the hyperbaric chamber.

All plexi glass all the time.

Me: Fake texting in the chamber.

Not too sure why I'm smiling so much... It's a tight fit.

 I keep praying, but I feel like I'm getting no answer. I don't feel like He's carrying me or anything... I know He is, but I don't feel it. This is the hardest thing I've ever done and ever hope to do. It's horrible. It's terrible. I hate it.

It sucks being mostly stuck in a hospital bed day in and day out; let's not forget nights, too. I can get up to potty and with PT twice a day. Hardly anyone touches me. I think that's another thing that I'm sad about. In my family we're very affectionate. I don't get that in my hospital bed. I told dad this and it's a little better, but it still sucks. I also miss laying on my side or stomach which is how I usually sleep. I have to sleep and be on my back 24/7. Ugh.

A new nurse friend of mine gave me a book I am excited to read! Maybe that will help me not worry so much. I now have added hyperbaric chamber sessions for at least 3 days to the things I do everyday. They upped Lovenox dose as well.

I'm going to miss the new Twilight movie I'm pretty sure. I'm so saaaaad!! I've seen everyone and read all the books. I want to see it!!

I am ending my night with the start of season 3-True Blood. It'll take my mind off things.

And that's life..