Someone told me that I was lucky today. I assured them that I was because I just lost my foot, but had my life. This is true. However, I realized I say what people want to hear. I do think I'm blessed, but I'm also very hurt about losing my foot. I know one day I probably won't care, but I do right now.
I have lost my mobility; it was taken away from me. It's hard to get up with one arm and leg. It's hard to get around that way, too. I'm confined to a wheel chair. I tell myself I'm lucky and that this is temporary, but I won't listen. I apparently can't see past that right now. Plus, it's not really that temporary; my foot isn't going to grow back. I have a lot of things going for me. A lot of things happened in my favor like that my amputation was below the knee, I'm young, and it's temporary. It's not always easy to remember that, though. I am thankful for all the things that are favoring me, but I'm sad about the things that aren't favoring me or that haven't favored me.
It seems like I fight, and fight, and fight, but to no avail. I guess things are still not moving at the pace I wish they would. I feel like this is just an ongoing thing that will get fractionally better, but not back to normal. I know this isn't true and that one day I will be back to normal or will make a new normal, but I don't want what's happening now to be that new normal.
Dad tried to get me to teach a couple of his classes (after I had heard the lesson), but I wouldn't. I don't feel back to my confident teacher self yet. I feel like the students see me as weak. I'm sure they really don't, but that's how I perceive it right now. I'll have to get over that in order to do what I'm called to do. I feel like I can still be an effective youth leader somehow, but teaching is different. Maybe it's because I know my youth kids and that they were taught not to judge others. I don't know. It's complicated. I need to get my confidence back.
And that's life...
No comments:
Post a Comment