Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Day 122

Today I got to sleep in again and still go to work with Daddy! He taught about genetics which was awesome because I was there so they could see traits from parent to child. We also got to roll our tongue every period and show off our whistling trick. Haha! It was awesome!

Someone told me that I was lucky today. I assured them that I was because I just lost my foot, but had my life. This is true. However, I realized I say what people want to hear. I do think I'm blessed, but I'm also very hurt about losing my foot. I know one day I probably won't care, but I do right now.

I have lost my mobility; it was taken away from me. It's hard to get up with one arm and leg. It's hard to get around that way, too. I'm confined to a wheel chair. I tell myself I'm lucky and that this is temporary, but I won't listen. I apparently can't see past that right now. Plus, it's not really that temporary; my foot isn't going to grow back. I have a lot of things going for me. A lot of things happened in my favor like that my amputation was below the knee, I'm young, and it's temporary. It's not always easy to remember that, though. I am thankful for all the things that are favoring me, but I'm sad about the things that aren't favoring me or that haven't favored me.

It seems like I fight, and fight, and fight, but to no avail. I guess things are still not moving at the pace I wish they would. I feel like this is just an ongoing thing that will get fractionally better, but not back to normal. I know this isn't true and that one day I will be back to normal or will make a new normal, but I don't want what's happening now to be that new normal.

Dad tried to get me to teach a couple of his classes (after I had heard the lesson), but I wouldn't. I don't feel back to my confident teacher self yet. I feel like the students see me as weak. I'm sure they really don't, but that's how I perceive it right now. I'll have to get over that in order to do what I'm called to do. I feel like I can still be an effective youth leader somehow, but teaching is different. Maybe it's because I know my youth kids and that they were taught not to judge others. I don't know. It's complicated. I need to get my confidence back.

And that's life...

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